"There is one person that I can say objectively that I am smarter than, and it is me four years ago. He knew all the things I currently know, except less. And the life experiences that I currently have, except fewer. So why do I have an obligation to a guy who not only is dumber than me, but literally does not exist."
Hank posted today, discussing past Hank and now as he's passing time and continuing a journey of self-discovery during his chemo treatments. A comment from below the video said "As soon as you said "I love and care about 17yo self" I started crying."This is unrelated, in part, to the video but more about that comment.
I have often thought about 17 year old me and immediately dismissed her. She clearly had ADHD, which wasn't a thing that was talked about in 1994, in rural TN. She was severely under weight, due in large part to allowing... not just allowing but supporting and championing her abuser. She was "manic depressive" as she'd seen on a document in the dr's office and she didn't even know what that meant because no one told her that's why she would rather not see the sun come up, she didn't want to see her family and friends look at her like she needed help and she didn't want to explain again how she thought she could fix him.
Tuesday, I pulled behind a car at Walmart and watched as the man in the passenger seat grabbed his wife by either side of her face and pulled her to the middle. She was trying to get away, tried to get out of the car and he pulled her back, arms shaking, he was trying to headbutt her. I laid in on the horn to distract him and jumped out of my car. When I got to the passenger side, he jumped out in tears that he loves his wife and saying she bit him, that he can't leave the car because she'll leave him, and after...a lot... she did leave and he chased her across the parking lot. Within minutes officers arrived and he was in cuffs. For how long, I don't know.
17 year old Keisha resurfaced and while she was proud she helped, even for a moment, for this woman to get away, she remembered riding in a car, being verbally and emotionally abused, having him hit the breaks or sling the car so she'd hit her head but he didn't hit her so I mean how is that abuse? How she looked out the window in tears, mentally begging for help but not having the courage to just go. ... Until, one day, she did.
Instead of honoring 17 year old Keisha, I banished her out of shame that I did nothing. I didn't piece things together, I allowed things to happen, hell I even went back at one point... she didn't understand. She didn't see that being called names, being told who you are allowed to talk to or not talk to (even within your own family) and being repeatedly told that because your mom and sister didn't like him that he was going to kill them, he'd describe how and tell you how he was going to take you away forever ... that was abuse. She was blind.
Looking back, I want to hold her. I want to protect her and tell her that she's going to go a long way. She's going to be out of that and have two beautiful boys and be filled with love. I want to tell her there's so much absolute love and beauty in the world and to hang on. I owe that to her.
I owe that to current me too. And to you. You are okay. If you are in a situation where every moment is filled with sadness, there is strength in asking for help, receiving help, working toward a brighter day. You are so very loved. Your every breath is treasured by someone that loves you so very much, even if they don't say it every day. The future you have ahead of you is every creation and dream you can come up with...YOU are going to make that happen! You are not alone. It gets better. We've got this.
Current Keisha has seen some shit. She's given up ... too many times and too much. While she doesn't want to hurt anyone or take away from anyone, she has to also realize that she has worth. I have worth. My contributions to my life and the life of others has been important. I've taken care of the kids and raised two amazingly talented young people. I didn't do it alone but I did it. I took care of my mother in law as her health declined and while it was difficult I told her and everyone that I loved her like my mom and I was taking care of her the way I would want my own mom to be treated, had she survived. Over the years I've lived in a lot of places, states, environments, and have met and done a lot of different things. Master of none.
I might have a considerable amount of troubles at the moment but I am loved. I have the strength to keep going. Every day, I go to work and I'm thankful for a place to go, I'm thankful that they are good company and that they pay me, I am also thankful that I'm not having to live out of my car ...as several do on the work property. I.Am.Blessed. Every day, I am growing. Every day is a new chance to do better and I keep trying. Not everyone will be happy in the beginning but I hope to get there.
So all in all, the video message is to honor yourself. Honor past you, current you and dammit honor future you because you're fucking beautiful. Let's go heal ourselves and the world! <3
Love this!
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