I can't tell you if it is ADHD or not because the closest to a diagnosis local physicians want to get is, "well if you think you are... we can maybe try something at the lowest possible dosage, that you couldn't possibly afford without insurance, and after 4 months we can bump it up if it's not working but I don't think that's necessary" (or we could do some testing and start at something appropriate and monitor it...but I mean I didn't go to SCHOOL for this or anything) but every single day is a new hedge maze that is forehead height and I can't see over. I just move forward, take my lumps and try to finish the maze before dark.
In the past year, with whatever other undiagnosed fun bag I have going on in the noggin, I've experienced stuff that I lie to myself about and say "everyone does that" when clearly, logically, I know they do not. I lie to others about it. I play it down to see "normal" and okay.The other day I needed to go pick up a few things at Walmart. I had a list. It took 2 hours for only 8 or so items because 4 times I went half way across the store and realized I meant to go a couple of isles down to get an item but my brain called out one of the other words on the list, so I went to get it. "Good exercise", I tell myself. Now I have to stop, get out of the way and compare what I have in the cart to the list because I don't know what all I have in the cart. At all. I can't remember if I picked it up and placed it in the cart because my mind was going over all the other things I have to do, calls I have to make, emails I have to send, jobs I have to apply for, how many days my Senior has left in HS and what needs to be finished, housing, food, money ....
I finally exit Walmart and head to Dollar General. There are a couple of things I was told to get from there instead. On the way, I realize I need to remind myself how to get where I'm going ... more than once AND I haven't written the things on a new list so I have to repeat them.
"TP, conditioner and litter scooper. TP, conditioner, scooper. TP, conditioner, scooper. TP, conditioner, banana ...wha? Why? I don't buy bananas! What? I ... Ok ok what did I say? No, what do I need? TP, conditioner... um um, omg why can't I ... scooper! Okay, TP, scooper, fries. sigh Flies. What? no. wtf!!" At this point, I was just about to pull over the car, in tears, when I realize I've already missed the damn road anyway. I turn around and get to the parking lot where I see a man quickly walking, with big yellow basket in hand, to his bicycle, hop on, a can of food falls out and rolls into the parking lot and he speeds away, basket and all. I grab the can of food that nearly ended up under my bald tire as I pull in. I take it in, no cashier anywhere but 4 employees in the back putting things on shelves. I walk around for 7 minutes or so, only remembering TP. I finally got everything except the scooper, because they didn't have one, and got back where I can deposit the items.
I'm exhausted and frustrated. I want to rest but I have to carry laundry to the mildew-y washers and dryers that take 2.5 hrs to dry one load, in a laundry room that's too hot with no ventilation. I'll have to do that later because there's two sinks full of dishes that I have to put in the dishwasher right after I stop everything and empty the dishwasher. I finish dishes, go get laundry, get it started and forget what it was I was going to do so I start job hunting and take migraine meds because I'm starting to feel one coming on.
I know, reading it, it's hilarious. I'll hear "giiiirl that's our age", "that's mommy brain", "omg girl I do that all the time" ... I know some of it is normal. This isn't normal. I literally blank out. Those thoughts are not in my head. I know they are buried but I don't just think thoughts like other people do. It takes concentrated effort and this happens to me all day, every day, over and over. When I sleep, I am going through lists of things I wrote somewhere and I sit up in bed because I remembered something that would help someone out hours or days too late.
I know, reading it, it's hilarious. I'll hear "giiiirl that's our age", "that's mommy brain", "omg girl I do that all the time" ... I know some of it is normal. This isn't normal. I literally blank out. Those thoughts are not in my head. I know they are buried but I don't just think thoughts like other people do. It takes concentrated effort and this happens to me all day, every day, over and over. When I sleep, I am going through lists of things I wrote somewhere and I sit up in bed because I remembered something that would help someone out hours or days too late.
I watch videos about people with ADHD and relate but at this point the list of things going on with me is ...long. I'm tired of it being blown off, of it being a joke, of it being a huge potential expense, of being a burden. I soldier on.
I just wanted to say, if you're out there, if you read all this and you feel better just knowing you are not alone...it's worth it that I shared. You don't have to respond. We, I, don't need a pity party or someone to fix us. It just is. I'm not okay but...somehow that's okay too. I guess I just finally needed to get that out today.
I just wanted to say, if you're out there, if you read all this and you feel better just knowing you are not alone...it's worth it that I shared. You don't have to respond. We, I, don't need a pity party or someone to fix us. It just is. I'm not okay but...somehow that's okay too. I guess I just finally needed to get that out today.
